Thanks, Chicago. That was a lovely birthday.

FULL DISCLOSURE: My birthday was just on Saturday (February 22). 

Properly sums up the weekend (rose credit: Jade Wesp)

I feel like I might have touched on here before how much I absolutely love birthdays. I'm not even referring to just my birthday, guys. I strongly believe you are never too old for a birthday party and that everybody should be able to spend their birthday as they please. Birthdays are the ONE DAY of the year you have every right to make all about you and the people you love remind you of just that. When people have the same birthday, that's exciting. I get excited when someone tells me they were born in February, or even on the 22nd of any month. I like when numbers line up and I like general astrology (but I don't buy that shit on a daily basis; no one should be cranky because their moons aren't aligned... stop) so it's just exciting when Kurt Cobain and I are both Pisces. My bestfriendsoulmate's niece and one of the other loves of her life was born on February 22, and her daughter's birthday is on August 22. The number 2 is important to me, folks.

So birthdays, especially mine, are kind of a big deal personally. This is why every year, on my birthday, I go through a full range of emotions. I get up and I'm happy (or hungover but still it's my birthday so happy). This year two of my best friends spent the night from the party I had on Friday, so I got to snuggle with them for a bit in the morning. My parents came for lunch and finally met George the cat. I laid in bed, ate some cupcakes, and watched The Lucky One because my wonderful, wonderful friends Abby and Phillip supplied cupcakes and Zac Efron, respectively. Then I went and hung out with some unexpected birthday champions (who says exes can't be friends? But for real, I don't even like that people know we dated because he's one of my favorite Chicago friends even though he doesn't ever read my blog, rude) who bought me beer and suffered through an episode of New Girl where I decided we drink every time Jessica Day is awkward. That's a lot of drinks. I also started drinking every time it was obvious Nick Miller was already in love and yelled "FROM THE VERY BEGINNING" a lot because that's what drunk hopeless romantics do. Then we went to someone else's birthday party (happy birthday Taylor!), people were drunk and singing and happy. I realize now as I am concluding this paragraph that I was going to walk through a range of emotions I have on my birthday but actually I just wanted to share with all 12 of my readers what I did on my birthday because it made me happy.

For the shit-storm that Chicago has been recently, the fact that I was able to do almost exactly what I wanted my whole birthday and be around some really positive people was actually amazing, even though I did freeze my ass off because I decided leggings were appropriate winter-wear. The city of Chicago and I are having some reconciling moments right now and I can afford groceries again (serving jobs are MY FAVORITE), which can only mean that my life is going to get thrown for a loop pretty soon. You should all know by now stability and I don't quite get along.

DATING STRIKE UPDATE:

The official end of the dating strike was February 20th. I tried my hand at Tinder. Got uncomfortable. Deleted the app. Re-downloaded the app. Got bored of "Hey!" "Hi." "How are you?" "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Had a conversation with one seemingly nice individual that essentially asked me if I was a man-hating feminist after he asked what I was looking for in a guy and I said someone who respects me as an equal........KTHANKSBYEE. Delete account. Delete app.

I think I'd much rather have someone fall for my sometimes uncomfortably deep laugh from across the room a year from now than force feed conversation until I get sick of pretending I'm interested in the kind of music some random guy who thinks I'm cute because of a few pictures and a Charles Bukowski quote. I can't do it. I love love stories far too much to ever let mine start with a "Swipe Right."

Things I Do Not Understand About Men.

I’ve been inspired by the passing of Valentine’s Day to write down some things I do not understand about men just because I think it’ll be entertaining and for some reason I always, always meet (and date) the strangest individuals.

[Some] Things I Do Not Understand About Men

Shower snaps.

WHY? Do girls do this? I’ve never received a shower snap from another female before. I assure you 95% of shower snaps I have received were not in any way supposed to be suggestive in any way but it’s still weird because I know you are naked in the part of the picture I don’t see. At least I don’t announce when I snap people back while I’m pooping or something. Honestly.

Dirty dream sharing.

I understand X-rated dreams happen. What I do not understand is why anyone feels compelled to tell someone who is NOT his girlfriend that she was involved in his very explicit dream. Is that supposed to be romantic? Because it’s not. It makes me feel gross. I’d much rather be in a dream that involved intelligent conversation and PBR/312/Woodchuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. My keyboard actually just got stuck right then and I am far too entertained to fix it. I was even going to take the list of beers out of the sentence but now I just can’t.

Fear of crying girls.

I cry all the time. ALL THE TIME. Ask anyone I’ve ever dated ever or anyone I’ve lived with. The second I start crying there is absolute panic followed by “Don’t cry, please don’t cry. What can I do to make sure you don’t cry? Can I hug yo---oh, no, that will make it worse? Use your words! Why are you closing your eyes like that? Your mouth is twitching. Does that usually happen? OH GOD DO NOT CRY PLEASE DO. NOT. CRY.” More tears. Male specimens, if you just hold my hand that’s all you need to do. Or hug me if that’s easier. That’s it. You won’t be able to stop the tears so the sooner you accept that, the faster I will actually stop crying. Also chances are you’re the reason I’m crying so stop doing whatever stupid thing you did to my feelings and it won’t be a problem.

Not calling.

When I say call me, I mean call me. On your phone. With your voice. The chances of me marrying the first man to call me after he asks for my number are pretty high just because he actually listens. Do not text me about my day, because I’m running around all over and do not have time for the tomfoolery of carefully formulated text messages.

“You look tired.”

What would possess any guy to think that’s a good thing to say to a woman? My dad is actually the number one offender of this. He always tells my sisters and I we shouldn’t wear make-up because we look fine without it but then never fails to tell us we should get some more sleep or asks if we feel okay if we don’t wear make-up. Literally every time.

Fear of women who love cats.

Having a cat means I have the capacity to love another living creature and take care of more than myself (usually). On rare occasion have I spent more than 30 minutes next to a new male acquaintance without pulling out a picture of my cat. That’s like, potential companion test #1, closely followed by the call-me-when-I-tell-you-to-call-me potential companion test (PCT) #2. 

Chivalry.

It’s dead. Just be a good fucking person instead, okay? Open doors for errrybody.

Always assuming that women dress up for men.

Sometimes, this is true. I will absolutely look as hot as possible for any party an ex will be at, especially if all his friends are around, so they can drunkenly tell him he’s dumb. Or if I already have a male of interest at said destination, I’ll dress it up a bit more. However, if I am going out with some girlfriends for drinks and dancing, I am dressed up for myself. Narcissism? YUP. But when I look in the mirrors or the windows of the bars I am feeling really good UNTIL someone catcalls. Then I get all drunken-feminist rant-y about how I did not wear lipstick for him (PCT #3).

Selfie-shaming.

I am a proud supporter of the good hair day/good face day/new haircut/new haircolor/new cat/sometimes I just look damn good today selfie, strictly for instagram (and by extension, twitter). On facebook no one cares so selfie-shame away. But for the girls that fearlessly post good pictures of themselves on occasion, why is that wrong? Why do guys see one selfie and think she’s a ‘crazy’? Not cool, bro. Pictures of boobs are more appreciated than pictures of faces and NO.

“You deserve better.”

GUYS JUST BE BETTER, THEN. I don’t see what’s so hard about that if it’s for someone you care about. That’s the most frustrating cop-out ever. I’d much rather a guy say he thought the way I struggle to make simple life decisions was going to result in a murder-suicide than some made up bullshit about how I deserve better. I’m always going to suck at simple life decisions but you could easily just be a better person. Get it?

The main thing I just really don’t understand is how any man could let a catch like me get away. Srsly.

Here's to Michael Sam and the team that drafts him

So I’m going to write about some current news today because it is actually something that I spent at least 20 weeks of my life intensely researching and thinking about. My Senior Inquiry (for non-augie readers, SI is a research project that needs to be completed, usually, by all students in a major before they graduate) was titled “Gay Retired NFL Athletes: The Importance of Their Coming Out Narratives” and basically my whole focus was to point out how important even having former NFL players come out is paving the way for an active openly gay player. I also point out that having a masculine gay man at the center of the media’s attention is actually going to make closeted gay men that feel they don’t fit in with the feminine stereotypes a ‘new’ option that might ease their personal struggles.

OKAY SO, if you go on the internet at all, I’m certain you must have heard by now that the NFL has potentially their first openly gay player headed into the combine and draft. His name is Michael Sam and he is a senior at Mizzou. Google him for more background because, even though he is great, I’m going to focus more on the implications and reactions that are happening because he came out.

The NFL has a wonderful article written by Chase Goodbread here. Goodbread has such an optimistic take on this situation and it is refreshing when he mentions the scouts and analysts that do not believe his draft status will be hurt because of his sexual orientation. I love it, thank you. There are TONS and TONS of LGBTQ media outlets that have offered nothing but support for Sam. Plenty of active NFL players have tweeted words or released statements wishing Sam nothing but the best.

Of course with every big revelation, there will be ignorant idiots that ask why it even matters what his sexual orientation is and why he had to say anything at all. There are mystery NFL employees that Sports Illustrated quoted (in a really shitty article, by the way), saying the NFL isn’t ready for a gay player and that his draft status will fall, if he even gets drafted at all now. There are loads of people saying this was awful timing on his part. I was going to go through and address all these points but I just decided a better idea would be to write to the team that drafts Michael Sam. So... here.

TO THE TEAM THAT DRAFTS MICHAEL SAM:

Congratulations! Your organization now has the most boisterous group of fans the NFL has ever seen. The LGBTQ community and allies are fiercely loyal to any organization that believes equal human rights are worth fighting for and if your team is not their number one team, it will at least be their number two now. All the other teams were too afraid of losing fans or upsetting their current ignorant players, but you guys were smart enough to realize the entire community that would be behind your organization and that having an entire team of talented men with good hearts is a much better key to success than just a couple talented but cruel brutes. Your players have realized that just because a man is gay, it doesn’t mean he wants to suck off any guy he sees. Let’s be honest, some NFL players should not be touched with a 10-foot-pole. Yikes.

Your entire organization will always be cherished and will always be a major point in human rights history. Not only is your organization making sure everyone knows love will always win, but you folks are letting the millions of closeted masculine gay men know they are not alone. These men have been told over and over again by the media that there is no place for them because the only glorified gay men are feminine and they are rarely taken seriously. By asking Michael Sam to join your team, your organization has quite literally saved lives. People will ask you why his sexual orientation even matters. This is why.

Your organization was smart enough to realize that Michael Sam had to come out when he did, or else facts about his life would have come out during the combine or it would have come up right before the draft. Can you imagine the media circus if someone else had outed a potential NFL player? Your organization realized that the hardest part of the NFL should be proving you’re talented enough, not proving you’re manly enough. Michael Sam wanted to own his truth before someone took it away, proving that he has more courage than any NFL players shooting attacks through twitter, ensuring they would never have to look him in the eye and tell Sam he’s wrong.

Basically, I just want to say thank you. As a proud ally of the LGBTQ community I have watched or heard of so many struggles masculine gay men have had with coming out and still keeping their identity. Michael Sam has strength for coming out the way he did, and your organization is so courageous for supporting that. We all know he’s talented enough, so ignore anyone that will probably say that’s the only reason your team drafted him. I’m sure those same people were just anonymously saying his draft status was going to drop months ago. I also want to say thank you for validating my entire senior year of college and I hope that in the coming years someone else can do an entire study on the importance of the coming out narratives of current NFL players.

Thank you for believing in love in all its forms.

Sincerely,

Ashlee Christensen

I did not watch the Super Bowl and now I have a kitty.

Yesterday the Super Bowl happened. I did not watch it. Instead, I responded to a fateful craigslist advertisement offering a free cat to a good home and now the little fuzzball is curled up next to me on my futon and I'm very content.

The whole situation was curious because I realized how much I have changed as a person and continue to change. The high school version of myself would have gone to church Sunday morning with my Jesus loving boyfriend and his family, and watched the Super Bowl for it's halftime show and to root against whichever team had the least godly players or something ridiculous like that. I would have probably even hopped on the uber ignorant "THIS IS AMERICA AND WE SPEAK AMERICAN" bandwagon in response to the Coke ad and would not have gotten why the Bob Dylan car commercial is a giant slap in the face to anyone that ever really believed in Bob Dylan because what's more American than America? Ew. Anyone that I went to high school with can attest to the fact that High School Ashlee sucked (main supporters of that movement are Kaitlin Weiler and Christopher Johnson, both of whom became and/or stayed my friend after the fact, thanks guys). 

Then we move on to the college version of me. First and foremost, if I was not working, I would have most definitely been drunk for Super Bowl Sunday. I probably would have gone out of my way to make sure that would be a thing that happened, honestly. I would have seriously watched the game because football is actually fun to watch (in my opinion) and not really paid attention to the commercials or really the controversy around any of them. During commercials I would have been making myself another drink, peeing, or yelling about something that happened during the game itself. Actually it wasn't ever that bad of a plan, but those plans are a lot easier when almost all of your friends live within a 5 block radius and at least one of those households has cable or you have cable because you still live on campus and have a roommate with a nice television. College Ashlee also watched football a lot because I liked to be respected as "one of the boys" but never really was. I admit that now. I know there is a former houseful of males that are like THANK GOD she finally gets it. Whatever. I was still a lot of fun, assholes.

Now we're at the postgraduate version of me. I have not watched a football game in quite some time. Your priorities really change when you have no legitimate access to cable other than Hulu or going all the way out to the suburbs. Priorities also change when you don't boys that are absolutely obsessed with football or have coworkers that talk about football NON STOP ALL DAY (heyyyyy Rogan's) anymore. Also, meeting new people at gatherings is significantly less exciting when you're on a dating strike and in need of a kittyfriend more than anything else. Football is still fun to watch buuut I just don't have anything invested because Johnny Knox broke his back and retired. 

I could be a lot more deep and insightful with you all but I try not to slam this blog with multiple posts that have a lot of feelings all the time. Also none of you shared my blog so THAT'S WHAT YOU GET. Just kidding. Kind of. Either way, thinking about how much I've changed in just the past year is a bit unsettling because I feel like everyone expects that (if you choose to go) college will be the most tumultuous years of your life. In reality, I think I've grown just as much in the past 11.5 months as I did in my 3.66 years of college. I don't know, guys. It's just weird. I went from bible-thumping-future-pastor's-wife-band-kid to... well, I don't really know how I'd describe myself now. Broke bitch? Starving writer? Underemployed and confused 20-something? Single lady? Broke-starving-underemployed-single-20-something-confused-writer-bitch-lady? Dramatic?

Dramatic. That's it. Dramatic. I was pretty dramatic in high school and was always like "I hate drama blah blah blah I'm going to cry about it" but now I am very much aware that I am dramatic and I own the fact that I cry very easily when provoked. I also know that I make rash decisions when I'm bored. Basically High School Ashlee didn't know she was dramatic and Postgrad Ashlee is very aware of it. Okay I'm done talking about this, now. OVER IT (coughDRAMATICcough).

So instead of watching the Super Bowl I responded to an ad on craigslist offering a free cat, but only if someone could come pick him up that day. I've been wanting a cat here in Chicago for a while and since my beloved Charles is not allowed to come with me (per my mom), I jumped on the slightly shady opportunity. I texted the person about 8-month-old 'Simba' and received a picture of a furry little guy hiding in a corner. My roommate and I left shortly thereafter to get him, and after a very quick handoff we had very loud orange kitty in the backseat of my car. Also, he has been renamed George because the name Simba for an orange cat is probably the worst idea ever unless you're 10 years old.

Here's George formerly known as Simba:

 

                                  

DATING STRIKE UPDATE:

1) I don't think I won my date with George Clooney because I should be on a plane right now.

2) I gave out my phone number at the bar on Saturday night. Don't worry, it's not going anywhere because I didn't show up to a party on Sunday I said I'd go to and also I'm on strike. Shootdarn.

3) Someone texted me to tell me they had a dirty dream about me.

4) Someone else sent me an unsolicited inappropriate snapchat and I was so caught off guard I couldn't even screen shot it to make all my close friends feel uncomfortable with me.

5) I adopted a kitty and named him George. Refer to point #1.

6) I'm seriously considering starting a Tinder and blogging about it after the dating strike ends because, as this list suggests, I always meet the best characters. Also people in the reviews kept talking about the genuinely nice people they meet on it so that's cool too I guess?

kthankstheendbyeeeeexoxoxo