Things I Do Not Understand About Men.

I’ve been inspired by the passing of Valentine’s Day to write down some things I do not understand about men just because I think it’ll be entertaining and for some reason I always, always meet (and date) the strangest individuals.

[Some] Things I Do Not Understand About Men

Shower snaps.

WHY? Do girls do this? I’ve never received a shower snap from another female before. I assure you 95% of shower snaps I have received were not in any way supposed to be suggestive in any way but it’s still weird because I know you are naked in the part of the picture I don’t see. At least I don’t announce when I snap people back while I’m pooping or something. Honestly.

Dirty dream sharing.

I understand X-rated dreams happen. What I do not understand is why anyone feels compelled to tell someone who is NOT his girlfriend that she was involved in his very explicit dream. Is that supposed to be romantic? Because it’s not. It makes me feel gross. I’d much rather be in a dream that involved intelligent conversation and PBR/312/Woodchuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. My keyboard actually just got stuck right then and I am far too entertained to fix it. I was even going to take the list of beers out of the sentence but now I just can’t.

Fear of crying girls.

I cry all the time. ALL THE TIME. Ask anyone I’ve ever dated ever or anyone I’ve lived with. The second I start crying there is absolute panic followed by “Don’t cry, please don’t cry. What can I do to make sure you don’t cry? Can I hug yo---oh, no, that will make it worse? Use your words! Why are you closing your eyes like that? Your mouth is twitching. Does that usually happen? OH GOD DO NOT CRY PLEASE DO. NOT. CRY.” More tears. Male specimens, if you just hold my hand that’s all you need to do. Or hug me if that’s easier. That’s it. You won’t be able to stop the tears so the sooner you accept that, the faster I will actually stop crying. Also chances are you’re the reason I’m crying so stop doing whatever stupid thing you did to my feelings and it won’t be a problem.

Not calling.

When I say call me, I mean call me. On your phone. With your voice. The chances of me marrying the first man to call me after he asks for my number are pretty high just because he actually listens. Do not text me about my day, because I’m running around all over and do not have time for the tomfoolery of carefully formulated text messages.

“You look tired.”

What would possess any guy to think that’s a good thing to say to a woman? My dad is actually the number one offender of this. He always tells my sisters and I we shouldn’t wear make-up because we look fine without it but then never fails to tell us we should get some more sleep or asks if we feel okay if we don’t wear make-up. Literally every time.

Fear of women who love cats.

Having a cat means I have the capacity to love another living creature and take care of more than myself (usually). On rare occasion have I spent more than 30 minutes next to a new male acquaintance without pulling out a picture of my cat. That’s like, potential companion test #1, closely followed by the call-me-when-I-tell-you-to-call-me potential companion test (PCT) #2. 

Chivalry.

It’s dead. Just be a good fucking person instead, okay? Open doors for errrybody.

Always assuming that women dress up for men.

Sometimes, this is true. I will absolutely look as hot as possible for any party an ex will be at, especially if all his friends are around, so they can drunkenly tell him he’s dumb. Or if I already have a male of interest at said destination, I’ll dress it up a bit more. However, if I am going out with some girlfriends for drinks and dancing, I am dressed up for myself. Narcissism? YUP. But when I look in the mirrors or the windows of the bars I am feeling really good UNTIL someone catcalls. Then I get all drunken-feminist rant-y about how I did not wear lipstick for him (PCT #3).

Selfie-shaming.

I am a proud supporter of the good hair day/good face day/new haircut/new haircolor/new cat/sometimes I just look damn good today selfie, strictly for instagram (and by extension, twitter). On facebook no one cares so selfie-shame away. But for the girls that fearlessly post good pictures of themselves on occasion, why is that wrong? Why do guys see one selfie and think she’s a ‘crazy’? Not cool, bro. Pictures of boobs are more appreciated than pictures of faces and NO.

“You deserve better.”

GUYS JUST BE BETTER, THEN. I don’t see what’s so hard about that if it’s for someone you care about. That’s the most frustrating cop-out ever. I’d much rather a guy say he thought the way I struggle to make simple life decisions was going to result in a murder-suicide than some made up bullshit about how I deserve better. I’m always going to suck at simple life decisions but you could easily just be a better person. Get it?

The main thing I just really don’t understand is how any man could let a catch like me get away. Srsly.